days leading up to today

sometimes i wish i was a better writer. one that doesn't have to think about what he is trying to say. where words just bleed from my fingers into a an empty canvas without error or confusion. often i find myself having so many things to express but lack the language to describe them adequately. but one thing i can say is that i haven't been myself lately. i found that trying to live stress free is not feasible. apparently, stress seems to be a right of passage into adulthood. there is always something to leave a bitter sensation on the tongue, heart, or mind. if not women, then money; if not money then work; if not work then family. its like a poison that kills all sanity, one catastrophic decision at a time. and what a time to be feeling like this. December definitely does not carry itself the same way that i remember it in my younger days. i am confident that this will be one of the most depressing holiday seasons to date: worst than when i was on deployment, hands down. i wont go into details but its definitely something i need to see through on my own. for the first time i will not be spending the holidays at home with my family by choice. there was the time i was in the middle of the Persian gulf during Christmas of 2005... but that definitely was not by choice. i need sometime to reflect what I'm going through on my own and learn to fix myself. i cant live life with my guard up all the time but i cant close myself off from the world either. but until i find that happy medium, all things suck....